It’s been a long time since I’ve written a post. So many things have been about time this past year. Not having the time for so many things. Being so long since I last saw her. Feeling like it’s been only yesterday since I saw her. Being lost in time. And space. The first Summer without her. The first Autumn without her. And now it will be the first Christmas without her; this thought scares me.
This past year has been… It’s hard to describe it. Not just due to lack of the words, which could describe the immense and unbearable pain, but precisely because of the unbearable pain, I find it so difficult to even talk about it. There’s denial, which usually accompanies such tragedies. There’s a feeling of not knowing one’s place in the world all of the sudden upon waking up to realization the one you love is no longer a part of this world. Memories can work for and against you; escaping into the memory world as a temporary remedy for the soul can quickly turn into more grief upon being shaken into reality. It feels there’s no safe space.
Everything happened so fast. There were ups and downs, hope and despair. Not following what went on, not following what is going on…
But the deep notion of carrying the most loved one in your soul, in your spirit, in your heart – this is comforting. The terrible pain of missing loved one’s touch, smell, voice – just the presence itself, tears the heart apart, yet, the place in the soul being fulfilled with her soul, is what keeps me going. Sometimes, I go really slow; the emotional pain translates into physical pain and day to day chores, even getting out of bed, sometimes seem an impossible feat. Sometimes even useless and without a purpose; going on for 40 hours without sleep, just so I can take care of her, with all the exhaustion but even more love, now I don’t have an opportunity to do this anymore, so most things can seem pointless and purposeless of doing. But yet – I get up and keep on going. Keep on having hope and faith.
Missing a loved one hurts like hell. The more you love them, the more it hurts. At the same time, this great love also brings great comfort in knowing there’s a great privilege in hurting; not all will hurt as not all love and/or were loved. And those, who don’t love, are the ones which don’t understand the pain of those who love and loved. Of course, then you also have a misfortune, in your weakest and most painful moments, to encounter a variety of narcissists, who feel the need to take an advantage of otherwise strong people being down.
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
The most trying times bring out the best and the worst in people, as well as bring out the best and the worst people. In the past year, I am grateful to have received the goodness from people who recognized my dire situation. But at the same time, I am also grateful for the lessons received from the evil ones; I guess the biggest regret is knowing full well who they were to begin with yet still taking the “helping” hand of a devil. The price of taking devil’s “helping” hand is always too high.
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
The love I’ll always have for her and the love she always had for me is something no one can take away from me; it’s the fuel for my soul and my spirit to keep me going. No matter what happens, good always wins at the end.
As I’m trying to keep my days resembling some type of normality, as I struggle to take care of everything that needs to be taken care of – I am slowly trying to gain the hang of leading my day to day life. There’s so much to be done, but I will not push myself over the limit and I will take much needed breaks to dwell in sorrow as well as in nurturing my body and soul. The healing process will be long, but I am equipped with love, hope and faith. And strength.
I’m slowly but surely going back to editing my blog as well. All the plans I’ve had prior – are still here and getting bigger by the day. I’ve got so much to share with you, my lovely readers! So many reviews that were planned for the past year, but alas – had to be postponed; yet I am sure you’ll like them! A design over-haul was planned a while ago, too, and I am certain it will see the light of the day soon as well. I’ve put way too much time and resources into my blog to let it fall by wayside now.
I am grateful to all the readers who kept coming back to my blog – be assured new and better things are coming! Starting this Friday, I will spoil you with a mega discount post for the Black Friday sales. Holiday gift guide, a few reviews – all this coming in the next few weeks.
I am certain that my business partners, whether it be advertisers, those who are waiting on their products to be reviewed – understand that in a life situation as difficult as mine, there are other priorities. Nonetheless, I look forward to catching up with you all, posting reviews and keeping our business relationships, which many turned into friendships, going.
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
I thank you all for all the emails you’ve sent my way in my difficult times; believe me, every kind word was not lost on me and I will reply to your emails as soon as I can – I look forward to catching up with you. With special thanks to amazing souls for their incredibly kind and comforting words: Theresa, Tiffany, Anouk, Bianca, Jamie… and everyone else. Thank you, again, from the bottom of my heart.